Valentine's Day...Pffftt

I will admit that I have become a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.  I was having a talk with a friend of mine recently who is unhappily married and wants out.  She was saying that she doesn't think she would ever get married again.  I understand where she is coming from, but part of me still believes in the happily ever after.  Granted, I do not see marriage anywhere in my immediate future, but I like to believe that someday I will meet the right person and we will be together until death do us part.  Maybe it is a coping method, but I still believe that if you marry the right person, marriage works. 

That said, I still am a bit annoyed by happy couples right now.  Valentine's Day was definitely a tough day.  The kids all gave me little gifts and cards that they were so proud of and I loved it.  I gave them Valentine cookies after dinner, but it was hard.  I am doing fine alone and things are going well, but a day dedicated to love is hard when you have spent the 12 before with one person.  I am glad it is over.

I think the thing that made it the hardest is the fact that I meet with a realtor tomorrow to get my house on the market.  After almost 2 months of working with my parents, the lower level is finished.  It looks wonderful and I wish we could have enjoyed it these past 2 years.  I love my house and it is hard to move.  I know it is the right thing as I am an hour from my parents and my job and with all 3 kids in school next year, it is not practical. 

It's not just selling the house though; it's letting go of the hopes and dreams that came with that house.  That was supposed to be our forever house; the house that the kids grew up in.  The house that we eventually sold after the kids moved out.  I didn't think that it would affect me so much.  The finality of everything has just come to a head and having it coincide with Valentine's Day is just too much. 

I am happy and I am doing well.  The kids are doing great and have adjusted better then I thought and I know that after we move and get settled that life will continue to move on.  I have just learned not to dream too far into the future because you never know what will happen.  And sometimes dreams turn out better than you ever imagine; I have three miracles to remind me of that. 

A New Year. A New Start.

A new year.  It's hard to believe that another year is done.  This past year was tough and filled with lots of tears and heartache.  I look forward to a new year and a fresh start.  The kids have adjusted very well and actually seem to be more relaxed now.  It makes me realize that things were probably much more stressful on them then I thought.  D and I still have arguments, but for the most part, things are decent for the kids.  The sad thing is that now that we are divorced and I see things from the outside, I wonder how we ever survived as long as we did.  I guess when I was living with it, I overlooked alot of things and I failed to recognize the problems that were always there.  As hard as it was, it really was the best thing.

My parents have been a huge help.  They are working so hard to help me finish remodeling the lower level so that I can get the house on the market.  They are up every weekend and my mom babysits 4 days a week so I can go to work.  I really am  hoping to have the house on the market by the end of the month so that I can get it sold.  I don't want to move until school is out though because I don't want to move Olivia in the middle of the year.  I am trying to keep life as normal as I can for right now.  Once I sell the house the kids and I can move closer to my parents and we will be closer to D.  It should help make things easier.

Lots of changes are coming this year, but they are all positive.  As long as I have my kids I know things will be okay.  Everything I do is for them and no matter what happens, I hope they always know that.

Christmas excitement means no nap

Christmas. Naps.  The two together spells trouble.

So for the past few weeks Logan and Mackenzie haven't been going to sleep very well at naptime.  They are 3 now and it was at this same time that Olivia decided to not nap anymore.  The difference being there was only 1 of her!  Usually they are in there talking and playing around and who knows what else.  After several 'shhhh' 'be quiet' and 'stop it,' I go and sit in their room.  Usually they will finally fall asleep an hour after I first put them down!  Of course they fall asleep and sleep for maybe 2 hours, but then they take forever to fall asleep at night.  Olivia did the same thing.  Logan seems to still need a nap, but Mackenzie keeps him awake.  Once the kids and I move, I am probably going to put the girls together.

Anyways, this scenario played out yesterday.  Only Mackenzie kept crying I need a kleenex, I want my socks on and I kept hollering at her, which never works.  I carried her downstairs and threatened to make her sleep on the mattress down there.  Finally I brought her back up and put her on my bed in my room and shut the door.  I figured if they were separated that Logan would at least go to sleep.  Nope.  Finally close to 3 I didn't hear much and I thought maybe after all of the crying she fell asleep and I went about my business.  Around 3:30 I heard Logan and finally gave up and let him come out of his room.  Then I opened up my bedroom door and found my entire tube of chapstick smeared all over my quilted bedspread.  Entire tube.  All over it.  I was livid!  She started crying again because she doesn't like being scolded.  I washed my bedspread but it didn't come out completely.  She had some on her pants. 

After using the bathroom she came out and started playing with her new barbie stuff and acted like nothing happened.  Yeah.  So apparently it's better to just let them be then to separate.  And never leave Chapstick unattended on a nightstand. 

Merry Christmas.  I'm glad it's over. 

3 years

For three years I have had the privilege of being the mother of twins.  I had so many fears when I first found out that we were having twins.  Would the pregnancy make it; would I make it full term.  How would we survive raising twins and how would it affect Olivia.
Then these two precious babies were placed in my arms.  Sure they were 8 weeks early, but they proved to be strong fighters then.  They amazed everyone by being at least a pound bigger then they were expecting and they didn't need any breathing help at all.  The same day Mackenzie was born they called her fiesty. 

Three years later they are potty trained, sleeping in big kid beds, dressing themselves and talking like crazy.  The conversations they have with each other is adorable to watch.  While having twins continues to be a challenge, it is also an amazing experience.  I never knew that two little people, who happen to be born on the same day, could be so different and yet have such an amazing bond. 

Mackenzie is still fiesty as ever.  She is stubborn and when she gets going in a tantrum, nothing stops her.  She loves Barbies, Hello Kitty and ponies.  She is very imaginative, loves to make people laugh and comes up with the funniest ideas.  She idolizes Olivia and loves to repeat what I say.  I call her a mini mommy.  She is my petite child, or average I guess as she is in the 50th percent. 

Logan is my sweet boy.  He loves to cuddle and corrects me by saying he is a big boy.  He loves dinosaurs, Toy Story and cars/trucks.  He too is stubborn but timeouts usually stop him.  He is slow to warm up in most situations and is great at following directions.  He is a big boy at over 40 pounds and in the 95th percentile for height and weight.

I am proud to be the mother of twins.  There are challenges at times, but it has been the ride of a lifetime and I know it can only get better fronm here.

When life takes a detour

12 years ago this month I met the man who would become my husband.  I was almost 19 at the time.  He was 14 years my senior and my parents weren't too happy at first, but came to like him and accepted him.  He proposed 6 months later and 13 months after that, once I had finished college, we got married. 

Sadly, 12 years later, my life has veered off path into the unknown.  I never saw this in my future, at least not when we first started out. I am getting divorced.  I have fallen into the statistics with all of the other failed marriages.  I am not proud of this.  I am sad that our marriage has come to this and my heart is beyond broken when I think about our precious children that we fought so hard to have.  They definitely did not deserve this.  I keep telling myself that having a mom and dad who are happy and apart is better then parents fighting and miserable.  Just ask any child whose parents stayed together for their sake, it never works. 

I never understood how people could divorce (unless infidelity is involved) and just 'give up' on their marriage.  But now I do.  It's not something that just happens overnight.  It happens over time.  When I think back over the past 10 years of marriage, I can see it.  Life gets in the way.  The problems were just brushed aside because we had more importatnt things to do.  Things would improve for a period of time and then cycle back again.  Then we spent so long trying to have a baby, adopting a baby, raising a baby, having another baby, surviving twins and so on.  So much other stuff was there to mask the issues.  Resentment builds, the fighting and blaming suddenly are more frequent then the good times.  Both people finally realize that there is no going back.  This is not a healthy situation for children.  One person (not me) decides that perhaps divorcing now while we can still be friends is better then waiting until we hate each other.  Despite knowing it was bound to happen, it is still like a knife to the heart.  The reality of it is much greater then it is in theory.

Part of me feels great relief because I have been so worn down and am just too exhausted to fight anymore and the other part of me cries out of the blue (like now) because I am letting go of so many good memories and dreams of the future.  It's like a death in the family.  I know it is the right thing to do, because nothing is going to change, but it still hurts.

I guess the real question is if it's better to live a lie and be unhappy because it's easier or face reality and accept that it will be hard but you have a chance to ultimately find happiness.  I will say that despite my fears and sadness, I am looking forward to the future.  This is an unplanned detour in my life, but so was infertility and look at how beautifully that turned out.  I just pray that we are doing the right thing.

Halloween Hayride

Every year my moms of multiples group hosts a hayride at a farm and all of the children come in costumes, ride on a hayride, get a candy bag and pick out a pumpkin.  Since my children are obsessed enthusiastic about Halloween, I was looking forward to bringing them. 

Ever since we saw the Smurf movie back in August, Olivia has really wanted to be Smurfette.  We found a costume at the store and she was good to go.  Logan is obsessed with dinosaurs and insisted upon being a dinosaur for Halloween.  I was praying that I would be able to find one, which I did, thankfully at my moms sale.  I found Mackenzie a princess costume and she was very excited about it, thankfully she is easy to please and had no special requests.

We were standing in the grassy area waiting for the group.  Olivia took off to play with the other little girl that she is friends with.  Mackenzie found my friend's daughter who was dressed as Strawberry Shortcake and instantly started following her around.  Logan, my slow to warm up child, hung by my side.  Of course upon inspecting his tail after walking he realized there was grass stuck to it.  He then insisted on carrying his tail around to keep it from getting dirty.  He would not put it down.  So my little man carried his tail the entire time we were there.  Yeah.  Let's hope he doesn't do that on Halloween. 

He said nothing the rest of the time until it was time to line up for the hayride.  Then he said he wanted to sit by Woody.  My friend's son and Strawberry's triplet, was dressed as Woody from Toy Story.  That is Logan's second love.  He would not talk to Woody, but he wanted to sit by him!  On the way home that day Logan said that he liked the 'talking Woody.'  Mackenzie kept talking about Strawberry Shortcake.  It made their day that they got to see their favorite characters!

Aside from the horrible wind, which kept the girls from wearing their hats, it was a fun day. 

6 years of being a mother

I have been a mother for 6 years.  How that happened, I don't know.  Those months of crying because I was not pregnant, the agony of the infertility treatment and the grueling adoption process still is fresh in mind.  The raw emotions that I had are not forgotten.  While it feels like I have been a mother forever, I still remember the nervousness that I felt when Olivia was placed in my arms for the very first time like it was yesterday.  This tiny 6.10 pound baby girl was born and the very first thing that came to my mind was Oh my god they are going to put me in charge of this tiny being?!  I had no idea.  I read the books to make sure she was developing on track and I talked to my mom to ensure I was doing the right thing.  The fear that I would somehow screw her up was always there.  It still is.

Now my daughter, my firstborn, my precious child that filled that void in my life is growing up.  She is now an independent 6 year old.  She goes to school all day and survives without me.  She can tie her shoes.  She can feed herself. She has her own friends and interests.  She no longer thinks that I know everything.  She forms her own ideas and fights me all the time on things.  I no longer pick the birthday theme and she has a say about who she wants to invite.  My fragile, helpless newborn baby is no more. 

I always reflect on birthdays and this one is no different.  I am proud of the young lady she has become and I know she will go far in life.  I get frustrated with her so often and really don't like her sometimes, but when I think about all the joy that she has brought me in the past 6 years, my heart just melts.  Despite everything, I am proud to be her mother and I will do everything in my power to ensure she is safe and happy and lives up to her potential. 

These years are getting shorter and I am trying to hold on tight and enjoy the ride.  I can't imagine my life without her and I am going to enjoy every second that I can before she grows up and leaves.  I am so thankful that her birthmother chose us to be her parents because I cannot imagine having it any other way.