When life takes a detour

12 years ago this month I met the man who would become my husband.  I was almost 19 at the time.  He was 14 years my senior and my parents weren't too happy at first, but came to like him and accepted him.  He proposed 6 months later and 13 months after that, once I had finished college, we got married. 

Sadly, 12 years later, my life has veered off path into the unknown.  I never saw this in my future, at least not when we first started out. I am getting divorced.  I have fallen into the statistics with all of the other failed marriages.  I am not proud of this.  I am sad that our marriage has come to this and my heart is beyond broken when I think about our precious children that we fought so hard to have.  They definitely did not deserve this.  I keep telling myself that having a mom and dad who are happy and apart is better then parents fighting and miserable.  Just ask any child whose parents stayed together for their sake, it never works. 

I never understood how people could divorce (unless infidelity is involved) and just 'give up' on their marriage.  But now I do.  It's not something that just happens overnight.  It happens over time.  When I think back over the past 10 years of marriage, I can see it.  Life gets in the way.  The problems were just brushed aside because we had more importatnt things to do.  Things would improve for a period of time and then cycle back again.  Then we spent so long trying to have a baby, adopting a baby, raising a baby, having another baby, surviving twins and so on.  So much other stuff was there to mask the issues.  Resentment builds, the fighting and blaming suddenly are more frequent then the good times.  Both people finally realize that there is no going back.  This is not a healthy situation for children.  One person (not me) decides that perhaps divorcing now while we can still be friends is better then waiting until we hate each other.  Despite knowing it was bound to happen, it is still like a knife to the heart.  The reality of it is much greater then it is in theory.

Part of me feels great relief because I have been so worn down and am just too exhausted to fight anymore and the other part of me cries out of the blue (like now) because I am letting go of so many good memories and dreams of the future.  It's like a death in the family.  I know it is the right thing to do, because nothing is going to change, but it still hurts.

I guess the real question is if it's better to live a lie and be unhappy because it's easier or face reality and accept that it will be hard but you have a chance to ultimately find happiness.  I will say that despite my fears and sadness, I am looking forward to the future.  This is an unplanned detour in my life, but so was infertility and look at how beautifully that turned out.  I just pray that we are doing the right thing.